A parody of "Little Red Riding Hood"
Once upon a time, deep in the heart of the forest, there lived a smart, independent, self-confident young woman whose mother adored her, and her grandmother adored her even more. Her grandmother, who was very skilled at sewing, made her a pair of bright red pants, which she loved so much that soon everyone was calling her 'Little Red Pants'. While she loved the pants, she hated the nickname because she felt it was demeaning with sexual undertones. She was quick to inform anyone who called her 'Little Red Pants' that she had a real name-Jane-and she expected to be addressed by it.
One day, Jane's mother asked her to take a basket of fresh organic fruit and mineral water to her grandmother's house on the other side of the forest-not because this was woman's work, mind you, but because the deed was generous and helped engender a feeling of fellowship. Furthermore, her grandmother was not sick, but rather was in full physical and mental health and was fully capable of taking care of herself as a mature adult.
So, Jane set off into the woods. (Author's note: At this point, the reader is asked to throw his or her sense of reason and reality out the window. Thank you.) On her way to her grandmother's house, Jane was accosted by a wolf who asked her what was in her basket. "Some healthful snacks for my grandmother, who is certainly capable of taking care of herself as a mature adult," she replied. At first, Jane was surprised to see a wolf that could walk and talk, but since she was not a discriminatory person, she accepted the apparent peculiarity of the situation.
"You know, darlin', it isn't safe for a beautiful woman like you to walk through these woods alone…especially with those little red pants," said the wolf. Jane sharply replied,
"I find your sexist remark offensive in the extreme, but I will ignore it because of your condition as an outcast from society, the stress of which has caused you to develop a misguided worldview. Now, if you'll excuse me, I must be on my way."
"Wait!" said the wolf, blocking Jane's path. "Does your grandmother live far away?" Jane became suspicious.
"And why should I tell you that? Not only are you a stranger, but you are a talking wolf for crying out loud."
"Because I would like to visit her too," he answered. "She seems like a nice lady, and I am a nice guy…just a little on the hairy side." No fool, Jane thought of a plan.
"Sure, wolf. She lives beyond that mill you can see over there, in the first house you come to in the village. The house is a little old." The wolf thought about how tasty Jane would be to eat. He didn't particularly like old ladies, but if he had to eat the grandmother to get to the girl, so be it.
"Great. Well, you take this path and I'll take that one, and we'll see who can get there first," said the wolf. Jane chuckled to herself, for she knew the wolf was up to no good and had sent him to an old empty shack instead of her grandmother's house. "I've read The Three Little Pigs," she thought to herself. "You can never trust a wolf." She started down the path very slowly, but once the wolf was out of sight, she ran as fast as she could to the little shack. Meanwhile, the wolf wandered through the forest anticipating his impending meal when he realized he was lost. Being a typical male, he of course would not use a map or ask for directions, so when he finally arrived at the little shack, Jane had been waiting for him for quite awhile.
When the wolf finally reached the front door, he decided that he needed to appear a little more feminine because he recalled the girl saying that her grandmother was in excellent health, and she would most likely recognize him immediately and escape. Therefore, he ran to the store down the road, stole a dress and a shawl for his head, returned to the little shack, and knocked on the door.
"Who is it?" Jane called as she hopped into the dusty old bed and pulled her Swiss Army knife from her boot.
"It's your granddaughter, Little Red Pants. I've brought you some organic health food…or whatever," replied the wolf in his best girlish voice.
"Excuse me? Did he just call me Little Red Pants!?" mumbled Jane to herself.
"What was that, Grandma?" asked the wolf.
"Uh…oh nothing. Lift the latch and come on in," Jane replied as she pulled the covers up to her nose. When the wolf saw her, he was surprised to see how young the grandmother looked.
"This can't be the right house," he thought to himself in disbelief. "She's a babe!"
He said to her:
"Grandmother, what smooth skin you have!"
"Well, I've used Oil of Olay® since I was a young girl, dear."
"Grandmother, what silky hair you have!"
"Clairol® Nice n' Easy #5 sweetheart."
"Grandmother, what a clear voice you have."
"Well, I suck on a Vicks® lozenge throughout the day."
The wolf couldn't stand it any longer and he pounced on Jane, intent on devouring her. She screamed, not out of fear or alarm of the wolf's apparent penchant for cross-dressing, but because of his willful invasion of her personal space. When the wolf realized that Jane had tricked him, he was taken aback. Quickly, Jane drove her knife straight through his pulmonary vein, killing him instantly. (She was pre-med, so she knew where that was.)
A passing woodsman heard the scuffle and burst into the shack. When he saw the wolf lying on the floor, he pulled out his ax and raised it high above his head. "And just what do you think you're doing?" yelled Jane.
"I have come to your rescue!" said the woodsman.
"Well, in case you hadn't noticed, I've got it under control," she said. "What a sexist male chauvinist pig! How dare you assume that women can't solve their own problems without a man's help!"
"I, uh…I just thought that I..." stuttered the woodsman as he bolted out the door in fear, for he had never met an independent, self-confident woman before.
Jane rolled her eyes, cleaned up the mess, and gathered her basket to take to her grandmother. When Jane arrived at her grandmother's cottage, she found her reading the newspaper while doing push-ups on the floor.
"Grandmother, I have brought you some fat-free, sodium-free snacks to salute you in your role of a wise and nurturing matriarch."
"997…998…999…1000! Lovely, dear…just set them on the table."
"Oh wait, there's one more thing…I brought this simply gorgeous fur, and I was wondering if perhaps you could make a coat for me?
"I'd love to, dear, but it's 'faux fur' right?"
"Uh…yes, of course," Jane chuckled.
The next day, Jane set off into the forest to return home. When she arrived, the people in her village complimented her lovely new coat. Soon everyone was calling her 'Little Fur Coat', but she was quick to inform anyone who called her 'Little Fur Coat' that she had a real name-Jane-and she expected to be addressed by it.